August 4, 2020

Gospel-Centered Parenting: 5 Phrases on taking Personal Responsibility

I’m raising three wonderful boys, and I’m a dad who’s learning. Always learning! We have a lot of fun at the McCoskey house. Ashley and I love making the boys laugh! We want them to have joy, contentment, and a non-anxious presence, and we know it’s our job to model that as their parents.

One aspect of good parenting is leading children to take responsibility for themselves. In fact, this isn’t just a matter of good parenting, but also a matter of good discipleship and instruction in the Gospel of Jesus.

In Galatians chapter three, the Apostle Paul compares the law of God in the Bible to a guardian. He also says that when faith in Jesus Christ comes, “we are no longer under a guardian” (Galatians 3:25). Now when Paul says that Christians don’t need the law to be their guardian, he is not saying that the law of God no longer matters. The letter to the Romans clears that up.

Here’s what Paul is getting at: Christians are those who are united to Jesus. This means they receive the Holy Spirit. They are reborn into God’s Kingdom. They become children of the Father. The law of God, which proceeds from the very character of God, is written on their hearts (Jeremiah 31). The Spirit of God begins to lead them into holiness as they engage in Scripture reading, prayer, and involvement in a local church.

But before then – before faith in Jesus and conversion into Christianity – the law is like a guardian; a guardian who cares for someone who cannot yet appropriately lead themselves. It sets boundaries to help us. It protects us. It provides strong external direction when the internal transformation of the Spirit of God hasn’t yet begun.

The law of God, as our guardian, teaches us a wise fear of the Lord (Proverbs) before we learn how to truly love God the way faith in Jesus enables us to love Him.

There is so much more to this teaching of Paul, but let’s take this small insight and apply it to parenting.

Around our house, I commonly say some phrases to help my boys understand the importance of personal responsibility. Here are five of them with some light commentary.

“It’s okay that it was an accident, but you still need to say you’re sorry.”

We like to play hard at our house, so accidents happen! “I didn’t mean to jump on him, I was trying to jump over him” and “we were playing superheroes, and I didn’t mean to hit him with my sword” are some examples of what Ashley and I hear.

Accidents happen, and that’s okay. Sometimes we don’t mean harm, but we still cause it. And in those cases, we teach the boys that this is how we learn. We also teach them that they still need to say they’re sorry.

We want our boys to understand that they are responsible for what they do and say, even when they don’t understand the full impact of what they do and say. They need mercy and soft-hearted instruction. But they also need to take full ownership.

However, sometimes they can become a little too concerned about what someone else is doing. That takes us to our second phrase.

“You let him be responsible for him. You be responsible for you.”

At least a couple times a week, one of our boys will get irritated with one of his brothers. Conflict arises! And then that irritated boy will look for any reason to call out his brother. The accusations mount, each of them becoming more and more absurd. “He won’t stop looking at me, dad!” might be one of the grievous offenses loudly aired.

In those moments, we want our boys to understand that being hyper-sensitive about what their brothers are doing, and looking for a reason to get upset only breeds misery and a bad attitude. So we tell them to be responsible for themselves. We want our boys to recognize that they can’t control what others do, but they can control themselves – and they are always responsible for how they respond.

We will, of course, also deal with the child who insists on looking at his brother just to get a rise. And that takes us to the next phrase.

“I don’t want to hear what he did. Tell me what you’re doing.”

Without fail, almost every time I adjudicate a skirmish between my boys, they immediately tell me what the other did. In their little hearts and minds, which are tainted by a sin nature just like mine, they intuitively believe that their poor responses aren’t really the problem – the problem is what he did!

A common refrain in the New Testament letters is “do not return evil for evil.” Which is to say, we are most certainly accountable for what we say and do, regardless of what prompts it. There’s wisdom in understanding the ins and outs of their conflict to help them navigate it, but the key element is teaching them to quit fixating on the decisions of their brother and to look at their own decisions.

If our boys learn that they have a right to wrong others because they were wronged, they will have much trouble building healthy relationships, and especially close ones. So how do we help our boys assess their decision-making? That takes us to the next one.

“Does that seem like a good decision to you?”

When I talk with my boys about any particular dilemma, after fully understanding it, I often ask that question. When my boys are worked up, they don’t make wise decisions; they act on emotional impulse. And contrary to what the positive-thinking, motivational, new-agey guru might tell you, the human heart is not a reservoir of sweet, peaceful goodness just waiting to be unlocked by a catchy mantra. The human heart is inward-bent. It needs the power of the Gospel of Jesus Christ to find healing.

So I ask my boys to assess their decision-making. I ask probing questions. And the aim is to help them take responsibility for themselves.

When my boys come to grips with their failure, it upsets them. As it should. And when I come to grips with mine, it upsets me too. So we now come to the final phrase I’ll share for this post.

“Sometimes I need time to change my attitude too. That’s okay. But only you can make the decision to change it.”

My children cannot change their attitude in a moment’s notice. Neither can I. Sometimes I need a little time to talk to myself – not listen to myself, but talk to myself. So I don’t expect my boys to get rid of a bad attitude on command. I give them time, and I let them know that they have the time.

But I also let them know that they’re the only ones who can make the change, and if they don’t make it, then they are going to make themselves miserable. Joy, contentment, and a healthy attitude are not things that passively float into our lives. We choose them, plain and simple. Even more, we must contend for them against the selfish forces in our own hearts.

I want my boys to know that they have the space and grace to grow and makes changes. But I also want them to know that as they get older, no one is going to put on their shoes, walk their road, and make those changes for them. That’s on them, and only they can do it. I hope and strive to be a dad who models wearing my own shoes and walking my own road faithfully enough, in obedience to God, so they can do as I do, not just as I say – by God’s rich grace in my life.